Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence