Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

My inexpensive home security system…

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses