Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket