Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
You Might Also Like
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Netflix and awkward silence?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.