Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My sex drive has a dui
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?