Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you