Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive