Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

What a year we’ve had this week.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

My humor is broken

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies