Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.