me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Happy Friday
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
never deleting this app.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.