me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ