Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.