Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding