Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Not recommended for beginners.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out