Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
You Might Also Like
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how