Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.