Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.