@GeorgiaSweet20

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

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@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@briangaar

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

@Home_Halfway

*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.