@GeorgiaSweet20

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

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@PaulyPeligroso

If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure

@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@Dani_Feld

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@Home_Halfway

Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.