Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
You Might Also Like
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We need more people like this.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.