When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.