Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I am having an out of money experience.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?