Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.