Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

don’t be scared

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.