Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.