Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Be vigilant
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Are we there yet?…
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school