Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

I am also baked goods

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

My love language is hissing.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.