Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

I am a gravy boat captain

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.