Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
#MeanwhileInCanada
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Nose
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend