Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
You Might Also Like
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?