Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three branches of government

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

I have obtained a hat

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.