Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
You Might Also Like
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
everyone’s a critic
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head