Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: đ
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
yea so i messed up lol
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth⌠âcan I have cereal instead?â
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldnât find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Sentences sound better with âmotherfucker.â
Before: âYou sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.â
After: âDis motherfuckerâŚâ
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: donât bite my lip
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I was just thinking âoh shoot I forgot somethingâ and it came out as âoh fruitâ
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish Iâd listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasnât listening
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said âI donât know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floorâ
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Baby letâs play doctor. Iâll go first. You owe me $3200.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Welcome to middle age. âI carried a watermelonâ has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
thatâs exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say