Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.