Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Close call…
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
No. YOU-buprofen.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too