Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe