Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesnāt stop making weird noises! I believe Iām owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: š
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There are 70,000 Jehovahās Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So Iāll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I donāt know why people say life is shortā¦.this seems to be taking forever.
Does anyone elseās spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: Whatās mine?
G: Youā¦spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uhā¦make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hmā¦eat marbles
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Husband: Iām going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before theyāre chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I always act like Iām so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle ā¦ the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instrumentsā¦
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him āsleep too muchā and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought butā¦they canāt make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isnāt trying.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: itās urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me: Donāt worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasnāt suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because Iām in my jim-jams, reading
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldnāt.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
weāre going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
hi why am I like this
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me thinking: focus on what sheās saying, focus on what sheās saying, focus on whatās sheās sayingā¦
My wife: ā¦so what do you think?
Me: waitā¦ what?
If Iām grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an āunobservant atheistā and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
LITTLE BO PEEP: Iāve lost my sheep! I canāt remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?