Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.