Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong