Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential