Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way