Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
mechanics be like
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?