Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

called in thicc to work this morning

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

choose your fighter

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.