Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?