As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.