Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Take care of yourself, ladies

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

How to properly lift a body

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties