*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Don’t tell me what to do
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*