*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent