Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?