Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Proctologist = Analyst

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.