Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time