Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
You are not alone 💚
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Spider-cat: No One Home
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?