Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

just having fun

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Battery falling down a hole

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.