Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..