me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
remember
only for emergencies
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.