Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Great Canadian literature.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Europe. Made in Germany.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”