ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
For the ones in the back.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m confused about plants
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)