Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.