Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You Might Also Like
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
We like the way Dwight thinks
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips