Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.