It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*