Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.