Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.![]()
You Might Also Like
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
That’s classic.
![]()
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
![]()
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Every house has this drawer
![]()
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!