Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

oh my god

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”