Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
fr
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
no one ever comes back
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
CUTE CAT‼︎
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime