Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years