Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
LOL!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Blocked: 1985
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.