Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

the short answer to this question

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.