Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*