I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
*accidentally deletes a tweet*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.