@ChicksRule

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

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@FeelNutts

I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more

@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@GianDoh

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

@DanMentos

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

@daddydoubts

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.