Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.