me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions