me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor