me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?