me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Boom, boom, ching!
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Worst Native American name ever.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”