me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.