me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.