me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I hope Alan is OK
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.