Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
President The Rock Obama
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda