Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!