Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

My humor is broken

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.