Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.