Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
no way 😭
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving